Monday, September 28, 2009

Today I'm Gonna Cry....& It's alright!

Today is the day four years ago I lost my 18 year old brother in a car accident. He was alone, he hadn't been drinking or doing anything he shouldn't have been doing. He was on his way home from helping a friend write a paper. They think he might have fell asleep, less than 2 miles from his house on the WKU Farm. We were the family it could never happen to. We were the family who had it all together and comforted others in their time of loss. Not us. Never. Our lives are forever changed. Holidays are not as bright and cheery as they once were, and my mom and dad have lines on their faces that tell the story of their lost son. I have my days, days where I just want to cry and miss him. He was MY little brother who happened to be 6'2 and about 265 lbs and towered over me, but he was MY little brother who I did and still love with all my heart. It was such a tribute to that over 4,000 people showed up for our short visitation and graveside service. They came from hours away and some waited outside in line in the chilly fall September air for over 4 hours to pay their respects. These were the lives he touched. The hugs he gave, the elderly grandparents of friends who h stopped in to see on Sundays, the farm friends he had made through his terms as FFA President, his teammates and competitors as he served as captain of the football team. Cruise in 2005 my parents took him and his friends for senior spring break. Intersting to say the least :) LOVE these boys.
Guys all over our town have tattoos with his football number- 62, tributes to him with his name, dates, and angel wings. Cars over town have small window decals designed by Bubba's best friend with his name and dates and angel wings. A group of people in the town put an add in the paper every year on this date with his picture and a note about how they will never forget. The local FFA chapter auctions off 2 ferns at the annual banquet with the proceeds going to Bub's scholarship fund- this year the 2 ferns raised $1650 and then they gave them to my mom. And we, the family, use the scholarship money donated when he passed to award 3 scholarships every year to local high school seniors in his memory. One for a a local football player, one for a local FFA member, and one for a local Church Youth Group member. We are continuing his legacy of giving.

My life is different. I have a hardened heart in many situations when I try to be compassionate. I have to remind myself when my friends whine about some minor family injury or a sickness in their family that THIS is the biggest thing THEY have dealt with therefore to them it is as bad as they make it seem. All I really want to say is, "It could be worse. Be happy that THIS is ALL you have to deal with." I remind my husband everyday through his pain and syndrome that it could be worse, I take things in stride and I now know that NO ONE is invincible. It can happen to anyone. I never leave a situation mad at another person and I say I love you more than most people should. I don't know if I'll get the chance again and I want you to know.

His passing has made me a better person, but I try to look for the good in any tragedy. I have a closer relationship with my parents than I ever did, even though we were pretty close always. I take nothing for granted. I raise my son in a way my brother would be proud- teaching him to look for the good in everyone, help out whenever you can, and listen to the older, wiser people around us, they happen to know a thing or two about life, respect the Earth you live on, respect the animals around you, take care of the land, and to have a love for football & the Kentucky Wildcats :) He would love his nephew. I know he would have him doing and saying things just to get under my skin and love every minute of watching me climb the walls about it!
Today I just want to grieve. I want the day to go by and the date to pass and the calendar to change as when I look over I can remember every minute of every day in the days before and the days after. I have learned that if I want to cry, I should, and when I feel the need to smile, I do. I am with my family, my parents, my sister and we choose to spend the day together. We try not to cry, but just be together. No one has to say a thing. Matthew sure helps us smile and laugh and all the while we remember who he was named after, Matt.

In Loving Memory
Samuel Matthew Monroe
December 30, 1986- September 28th, 2005
We love you and miss you more than you would ever know Bub.

24 comments:

Avril Ann said...

Sammy Jo, may your family give you stength to get through this day off every year....what a beautiful man you brother was and what a legacy to leave behind....big hugs are on their way to you....much love my dear friend. Avril xxx

Cricut Crazy Lisa said...

Hi Sammy Jo....
He sure sounds like he was a wonderful young man. I could feel the sadness and emotion in what you wrote. I'm saying a special prayer for you and your parents today.

Blessings,

Lisa

Kendra said...

I will be thinking about you today Sammye Jo!

phonelady said...

sammy I guess this time of yr is hard for both of us . My cousin Jimmy died on 9/11 and it is still hard and it has to be hard for you too . Im sorry for your familys loss and it is hard and someday you will all be together again . god bless your family and you .

Elizabeth said...

Your family is in my prayers!

Lori said...

Thinking of you and your family today. He sounds like a GREAT guy and I'm so sorry for you loss.

laterg8r said...

i'm glad he is so fondly remembered by everyone :D

Cristina said...

Sammye Jo, Thank you for sharing ur story with us!! UR brother was an amazing person, It sounds like Heaven needed an angel.
May God comfort you and your family today and always!! Think of all the fun, laughter, love, and hugs your brother gave you..Your brother went to heaven too soon, but you will always have GREAT memories of him....Smile today! xoxoxo Cristina

Amanda Profumo said...

SJ- you will be thought of all day today. Take comfort in your tears and being surrounded by your family. Love and hugs to you...

Sara said...

wow Sammye Jo- that was an amazing story. i'm sure that he is so proud of you all and all that you do :)

may you find comfort and peace today with your family.

sarabeth

Claudia @ Die Cuts R Us said...

Thinking of you my friend; praying that God give you and your family comfort everyday, especially today.

Claudia

Rita said...

Sammy Jo, I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family. I understand your pain and the pain that your parents are going through. I too lost my 18 year old son to a car accident on October 17, 2007. Although 'our' lives take on a change of what our new normal is, the pain never goes away. I'm glad that you and your family are together today. I pray that you all find peace and comfort as you remember your precious brother.

On a lighter note...half of my family live in Kentucky too so I too root along for the Kentucky Wildcats:)!

Hugs and prayers sweetie!!

Terria said...

You and your family are in my prayers today. I pray that you find comfort in our Comforter.

craft_princess said...

Your brother sounds absolutely wonderful. I bet he is very proud of you! Many prayers and thoughts sent your way!

Hugs!
-Stacie

Samantha said...

God bless you and your family

Yvette said...

Sammye, I cried as I read this. What a beautiful tribute to your brother! What an impact he made on so many people!! You must have one heck of a mom and dad! You and your family are in my prayers! Take care!

Crystal said...

well, i will cry with you girl because you just brought tears to my eyes! i can identify with your words and write them so well. i really feel your pain and will make sure i keep you and your family in my prayers as you go through your difficult day. take care of yourself, beautiful! super big hugs!

Stephanie *SP Diva* said...

God bless you and your family on this day. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am sure your brother is smiling down on you! May you find comfort knowing he is with our dear Lord.

Sheena said...

I have tears in my eyes. I may not know you personally but your story about your dear brother touched me. I wish there was a lot more people in this world who had the caring heart that he did. God Bless you and your family on this day. Thank you for sharing this story.

Sheena

Crayola58 said...

This was a wonderful read, Sammye Jo.
Carole

Jodie R said...

Sammye Jo, thank you for sharing your story. I have a little brother and I would be devestated to loose him! We lost my mom 5 years ago this month and, while we are sad, we have to realize my mom had sixty great years on this earth. Your brother didn't. I can't say I know how you feel, but my heart hurts for you and your family. I will pray for you all.
Jodie

Kaytee said...

Sammye Jo,
Your brother sounds like he was an amazing person. I'm sure he is watching over you and your family. Just hearing about how many lives he touched in his short 18 years is enough to inspire anyone to be a better person. And today, your brother through you has inspired me to be a better person. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

the whimsical butterfly said...

It is so hard to lose a loved one, and although the pain never goes away, your words and your writing today is as beautiful reminder of what is important and how we should live and view things in our lives. Be proud of yourself in knowing that you are passing on each of us a gift today. BIG HUGS girlie xoxo

Carole'Anne AKA Stampin Stressaway said...

Hi SammyJo
I just found your blog this evening, and got to read about your baby brother. Brought goose bumps, as I lost my baby brother in 2000, as well(my only sibling). I feel your pain, and I can sure hear your sorrow as you wrote your tribute. Very well written by the way. Greif is a hard thing, aint it, but I was also reading about your son, and I also realized that your have gained alot of patiences thru this tragic loss of yours, because your view things can only be viewd by grief stricken person. Our views change when we suffer this kind of tragic loss. I totally agree with you, about your son not needing you forever, you are so right. My son is now 19 years old, and I know for a fact that time goes by so fast! :) I remember after my baby brother died, and my son had to sleep in our room for months afterwards because he was so sad that his uncle was gone forever, you know lot's of people thought I was silly, wellllll you know, what till this day, I feel that it was the right thing. He evently went back to his room, on his own time, when he was secure enough to do so.
anyways, I wish you well, and take good care of yourself okay?
Thanks for such beautiful writting, I really enjoyed my visit to your blog this evening!
from
Carole'Anne AKA Stampin Stressaway

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